I Burnt All Your Words

catchem_ryden @ 2008-07-23T11:20:00

2008-07-23T10:26:46Z

Just found out someone I know is a homophobe :/
I wouldn't say he's a friend, he bugs me a lot but we hang out occasionally; I was talking to a mutual friend about clubbing in Brighton, and how the clubs might be full of gay people (apparently Brighton's the gay capitol of the uk...)
I said this was cool, we'd get to meet some awesome people.
Then this guy said how is that cool, hanging out with gay guys. He said he didn't feel comfortable around them, and no matter what anyone said, homosexuality isn't genetic or biological, it's sexual deviancy.
He's not religious, as far as I know, so I think it's just the result of his upbringing but it really threw me.
I didn't think anyone I knew was homophobic O_o It threw me a little bit; maybe the people I know aren't so tolerant as I thought they were.

catchem_ryden @ 2008-05-22T22:20:00

2008-05-22T21:29:05Z

So....things have been....interesting.
I made a new friend today. We spoke for like half an hour; by spoke I mean I kept trying to spark conversation and she'd mumble one word answers but we hung out for a little bit and ignored the awkward silences so I'm resolutely calling her a new friend.
She's 4 years my junior, which I feel a bit weird about. She goes to my old school , and as far as I know we don't have a whole lot in common but whatever. Something can spark from this!

Another awesome thing to happen;
a bad day turned into an awesome day a little while ago. Me and a couple friends had planned to meet up with some more friends to see one friends boyfriend play (mind boggling?) Anyway, one of us couldn't get in and I refused to leave her on her own so I said I wouldn't go into the bar/restaurant without her.
My 'best friend' then willingly agreed that it would be for the best if I hung out with the underage friend, and left to join her boyfriend.
This pissed me off.
I sulked and stormed off with the other girl, we had lunch, saw a movie and hung out which was awesome. I'm a little bit in awe of this friend, we've known each other for ages but haven't been friends long but she's so cool!

Anyway, We had a marvellous time; the rest of the group who I thought didn't notice me made sure I wasn't going to be waiting for a lift on my own, which was very sweet. Then I walked through a tunnel and passed a couple; the guy of the pair then took his fedora hat off and held it out to me and said 'want a hat?'
And I said 'yes. Yes i do want a hat' because damn it, a hat would cheer me up.
So I took it and thanked him, and he wished me a good night =]
See THAT'S the kind of experiences I want to have, memories and things you know?

Other than that, it's been working, overtime, working some more and being paid so...all's fair really. I shouldn't be up this late, I might have overtime in the morning so I'm signing off.
Ciao, bella.

catchem_ryden @ 2008-04-06T12:02:00

2008-04-06T11:12:07Z

GAH it snowed, like...a lot . It must have been like at least a couple inches high and everything was pretty and white \o/ Finally! It's nearly summer, but whatever, I got my white christmas just like I asked for.

It's melting now, but it well made my week *cough* I skipped work to enjoy the snow with my mum and dogs, dont tell anyone *cough* :D

On a less bright note, my dog dug up my guinea pig, who I'd buried in the back garden. I was at work, came home and mum told me she'd found her (the guinea pig) in the dog's bed. She thought I'd laugh at the apparent HILARITY of the situation, but I cried. Like a lot :/ I can sort of see the humour in how weird it must have looked, but then I remembered the dream I had the night before. *cut to dream sequence, do-do-dooo* I dreamt the guinea pig wasn't really dead, and we found her in time and returned her to her cage with the other one *end of sequence la-la-laaa* so this has freaked me out.

Panic At The Disco Fan Fiction S/A

2008-03-28T14:21:16Z

Title: Drink And Drive Me Crazy.
Author: catchem_ryden
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ryden
POV: Third.
Summary: Brendon's an affectionate drunk and his target tonight is Ryan.
Disclaimer: This is all fake, and the sketchyproduct of my active imagination.
Author Notes: Thanks times a million to silentpoetry1for beta-ing this and helping me getting it posted (what can I say, I'm clueless.)

Brendon isn’t usually the type of guy that drinks. It isn’t because of some ethic, nor the way he was raised, but the Red Bull and sugar rushes usually keep him high enough to stop him from needing additional stimulation.

Tonight however, he believes he deserves it. He worked hard enough on stage earlier, exuded enough energy to warrant coming back to the tour bus and partaking in a drinking game and also Jon convinced him.

So that’s why Brendon Urie and Jon Walker are currently slouched over the tiny table in the kitchenette, empty shot glasses littering the table. Vodka and whiskey bottles cradled, half empty, in their arms. “Bren. Brendon. Brendon! Are you alive?”

Brendon, upon hearing Jon’s whispered voice, manages to separate his cheek from the tabletop and looks at him, swaying ever so slightly. “Wha’ was th’last qu’stion?”

Jon squints into the bottom of the vodka bottle, thinking hard. “Can’t ‘member. Oh, I’ve never tongued a guy.”

Brendon sighs heavily and dramatically, and lifts the rim of the whiskey bottle to his lips, downing a mouthful and making a face as he swallows. That’s basically what the game involves, naming something you’ve never done and if the rest of the players have done it, they have to take a shot. They’re pretty much neck and neck, and both are getting drunker by the minute.

The look Jon sends him only makes him stick his tongue out, “Long story, was playin’ truth or dare in Vegas. Not so long story…”

Jon’s cackle makes his head hurt, and Brendon snorts, leaning back in his chair until it threatens to tip him onto the floor. “I feel funny, Jonathon Walker. Walker Walker. Hey Jon…”

Jon’s name becomes inexplicably, unexplainably funny and a giggle bubbles in the pit of Brendon’s stomach. It makes him want to grin, until the bubbling giggle grows and rises up into his chest and further up into his throat. He needs to laugh, if he doesn’t laugh he’s going to explode all over the tour bus and then everyone is going to be angry.

It starts as a chuckle, evolves into a guffaw and soon Brendon’s laughing so hard he’s going red.

The laughter is contagious and Jon finds himself sniggering along.

It lasts for minutes, an age until Brendon’s choking on his own spit, and Jon finds this even more hilarious.

“You nearly died, Brendon Urie.”

It is possibly not the best time for the door of the tour bus to open, and for Spencer to climb up, followed by Ryan, bags from a dozen different shops dangling from their fingers.

Silence descends upon the situation, occasioned by a cough from Brendon and Ryan’s eyes scan the scene, his mouth turning down into a severe frown.

“What the fuck, man?”

Jon cradles his bottle of vodka closer, protectively and keeps himself turned towards Brendon, refusing to acknowledge the disappointment on Ryan’s face.

It’s not that big of a mess, the tour bus. Sure, there’s cake mix on the floor from when Brendon absolutely had to make cookies, and found he had butter-fingers. And there’s the sticky orange squash drying in front of the fridge from when he’d tried to mix drinks. Oh, and the plate they’d cracked when Brendon wanted to play Frisbee-

“Hey Ryan, wanna join us?” Brendon’s voice cuts through Jon’s thoughts and the atmosphere freezes.

Ryan is not in the greatest of moods, seeing the mess in the kitchen, and Brendon’s voice only irritates him further. For fuck sake, why does he have to be so damn chipper when he’s just made such a mess? It’s like he doesn’t even give a damn-

The perfectionist in Ryan wants to get on his knees and start cleaning, to make it all neat again and the air is still for a second.

Spencer’s eyes meet Jon’s from across the small space and a mute understanding passes between them. Ryan is pissed off with Jon and Brendon for getting so drunk and it’s a matter of seconds that determine which way his mood will swing.

“I’m not cleaning this shit up.” Ryan’s slow and steady voice sounds cold. He squeezes past Spence, carrying his bags through the bus and disappearing into his bunks.

Spencer hates when this happens. When you can see the disappointment in Ryan’s eyes and the conclusion he draws to that it’ll be him clearing up again while they lounge around with hangovers.

But he lets Ryan go and starts collecting the empty glasses littering the table.

“You know Ryan hates it when you get like this.”

Brendon doesn’t think he’s ever felt as bad as he does right now. He wants to cry at how terrible he feels; Ryan’s not a drinker, after what happened with his dad. But more than once, the rest of them had gotten a little too inebriated, wrecked the tour bus or the hotel room and it was Ryan who had to sort out the mess.

Brendon is a bad person. He’s a bad friend and he feels like shit.

Looking up at Jon, he almost wants to smile at the shame-faced expression on the older guy’s features but he doesn’t. The mood is sombre with embarrassment and the only sound is the clinking of glasses when Spence drops them in the sink.

When Jon covers his mouth with his hand, mumbling something into his palm, Brendon strains to understand what the hell he’s saying; you feel what? You’re going to be what? Spencer, Jon’s being strange…

But Spencer is already on the case. He understands the drunken mumblings of Jon and hooks an arm under his armpit and lifts, directing the stumbling Jon out of the tour bus and into the fresh air outside.

Leaving Brendon very alone, very drunk and feeling very sorry for himself. “Ryan?” His voice is loud in the tour bus but he receives no answer.

“Ryan! Answer me!” Why does his voice sound so echoey? Oh. He lifts his face off the table and tries again. Still, no answer and Brendon pushes away the bottle of alcohol.

He has to make things better. He has to apologise to Ryan and make him happy again.

Staggering to his feet is harder than he thought, they must be driving at incredible speeds over a very bumpy road because the floor is swaying like a sea and Brendon is a very small and unstable boat.

It’s a difficult feat to make it down such a narrow walkway with such uncoordinated legs but Brendon manages it, making it to the darkened bunks with little more than a stubbed toe and a bruised elbow.

There’s only silence coming from Ryan’s bunk and Brendon’s drunken brain wants him to start crying, this is awkward and quiet and his eyes are starting to hurt and he wants to sleep-

Ryan tugs the iPod buds out of his ears when the curtain of his bunk is drawn back. He scowls, squinting into the light to see Brendon bending towards him, pouting stupidly.

“Go away, Brendon.”

But Brendon doesn’t move; his eyes are almost black and despite his drunkenness, the deep thoughts running through his brain are visible on his features.

“I’ve upset you.”

“It would cheer me up if you cleaned the kitchen.”

Brendon shakes his head, making a little noise to mean No, that’s not what I need to do.

The severity of his expression surprises Ryan, just a little.

What surprises him more is what Brendon does next.

Ducking his head, the younger boy now has the hugest grin on his face, his lush lips stretched over white teeth and he puts a knee on Ryan’s bunk; causing the lyricist to inch back. Brendon keeps advancing; he crawls into what little space there is left in the bunk, ignoring how Ryan seems to have stopped breathing.

The bunk isn’t all that big to begin with, but with a second guy occupying half the space, Ryan’s fighting to keep his pulse under control. It’s too hot in here, Brendon’s blocking out the light of the tour bus and Ryan’s eyes are struggling to adjust until they focus on Brendon’s face barely inches away.

“I’m goin’ t’cheer you up.” The singer’s toothy grin is clearly visible in the dark again; his hand fumbles in the dark and settles on Ryan’s hip, one foot moves to trap Ryan beneath him-

But Ryan resists. He puts his hands on Brandon’s chest and pushes, his mouth in a frown.

“Get the fuck out, Brendon. Don’t be stupid.”

The pout on Brendon’s lips lasts for a second before the grin’s back, and a giggle escapes.

“Relax, Ryro. M’gonna make everythin’ better. Kay?”

Brendon’s heavier than Ryan, so his attempts of pushing the younger boy out of the bunk are futile and Brendon just shoves his hands aside, crawling over Ryan until he’s lying on top, his breath hitching when he relaxes down onto the lyricist.

“You-” He barely registers Ryan struggling beneath him, “Are so pretty. Like, ridiculously pretty.”

Ryan stops wriggling and frowns, glaring up at Brendon. Sure he’s not the most masculine of guys, and he certainly isn’t butch but ‘pretty’ is such a feminine term.

“I’m not-“

Brendon’s smirk couldn’t be any wider, and he silences Ryan with a sloppy kiss to the lips, making a ridiculous ‘Mwah’ noise when he pulls away.

“I think you’re beautiful.”

It’s only because he’s drunk, Ryan reasons. He’s pretty sure Brendon is bi, even if he’s never said so in so many words, and drink can make anyone gay above the waist so this is all just drunken affection.

Plus, it’s pathetic how affectionate Brendon gets when he’s the slightest bit tipsy. It’s not like anyone would even bat an eyelid if he expressed how insanely in love with everyone he is when sober, it’s just accepted Brendon behaviour, but alcohol pushes him that little bit over the edge.

He should stop him though, really; force Brendon to get off him and out of his bunk. But a little part of his brain can’t help noticing how comfortable it is to have the solid weight of a boy leaning over him rather than the thin limbs of a girl.

It’s comfortingly real, so when Brendon leans back in for another sloppy kiss, Ryan doesn’t think to stop him.

This time, Ryan’s ready for it and he opens his lips the slightest bit, turning his head just enough to give Brendon a better angle to his mouth.

Fuck, he’s making this worse. He should just tell Brendon to fuck off, but when he’s got his tongue swiping between the gap in Ryan’s lips and making those breathy little moans, it would be like kicking out a strangely sexy puppy.

And Ryan’s glad that his thoughts scatter after that.

Brendon tastes like alcohol, it’s on his lips, his tongue and his breath and it should be making Ryan gag, but beneath it he catches a hint of warm tongue and cookie mix and he finds himself unable to be repulsed even a little.

But this is so stupid. This is so, so stupid because Spencer and Jon could walk through at any second and discover what a whore Brendon is, and what a whore Ryan is being for Brendon; then they’ll all be fucked. Spencer will be furious, Jon will be disappointed and Brendon will just keep nibbling on his bottom lip.

He feels a strange sensation tug in his stomach when Brendon does that, and Ryan only has one ear concentrating on the door of the tour bus, just enough that he’ll be able to hear Spence and Jon return, and have enough warning to shove Brendon away and pretend none of this ever happened.

Brendon’s hands slip beneath Ryan’s skinny t-shirt, cupping his hip bones before slipping, fingertips only, under the waistband of his tight jeans, pressing marks into the flesh at the base of his spine.

Ryan breaths a groan against Brendon’s grin but his heart nearly explodes when the handle of the door turns and Spencer’s voice signals their return.

Snapping his head to one side, cutting the kiss short, and shoving at Brendon’s hands, Ryan has enough momentum to push Brendon far enough away that he can slip out from underneath.

He barely makes it out of the bunk, yanking the curtain shut again; he pulls his shirt back down and straightens his hair, adopting a look of casual boredom when Spencer inches his way down the bus with Jon’s arm over his shoulder.

“Hey, you okay?”

Ryan clears his throat and keeps his eyes on Jon’s stumbling form,

“Yeah man.”

“You sure? You look flushed.”

“Nah, I’m good. Brendon’s just sleeping off the drink in my bunk. I couldn’t get him into his.”

With God knows how many years of friendship between them, Spencer notices the little quirk in Ryan’s lips and the twitch of his fingertips which means he’s hiding something-

He’s about to question Ryan’s behaviour when Jon’s knees give way and he snores deeply, asleep on his feet.

“Oh for God's sake, give me a hand with him, will you?”

And so the moment passes; Spencer’s mind is distracted, Ryan’s guilty blush fades, Brendon is still silent in the bunk and Jon is well on the way to Dreamland.

When Spencer marches away to clean the kitchen, after lovingly tucking Jon in, Ryan is left on his own in the passageway of the tour bus, still feeling guilty.

It was idiotic to encourage Brendon when he’s drunk; on the one hand, Brendon probably isn’t in his right mind so Ryan’s entirely responsible, but on the other hand Brendon probably has the idea that what he did was a good thing and will try it again.

On the third hand, who knows how far it would have gone? If Spencer hadn’t come back with Jon, who knows whether Ryan would have eventually stopped Brendon, or whether the singer would have passed out, or whether, given enough time and privacy, they would have made it all the way to fucking each other-

Shit, with a racing heart, Ryan can’t help but notice that his dick is getting hard and he shoves his hands in his pockets with a bright blush of shame.

He has to put a stop to this before it goes any further.

When he slips back into the bunk, Brendon budges over to make room for him, not uttering a sound and Ryan lies on his back, ignoring how Brendon’s foot has snaked over his ankle.

“Bren, we have to talk about what happened.”

“’N th’mornin’, sweetie.”

“No, Bren- I’m serious, listen to me.”

Brendon turns over onto his side, now facing Ryan. But instead of looking at him, ready for discussion, he scoots as close as he can, hiding his face in Ryan’s neck, tucking his fingertips into Ryan’s waistband and bending his knee up over Ryan’s hard dick.

And he snores loudly.

“Brendon, you better fucking not be asleep.”

And Brendon snores again.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck, the longer he leaves it, the less reasonable he’s going to sound in saying it was a mistake and trying to explain all this to a hung-over Brendon is not going to make for a good experience.

Lying frozen on the bed, Ryan squirms uncomfortably when Brendon’s thigh rubs against his hard dick again.

Explaining this to the singer isn’t even the main priority, for god’s sake.

His main priority is that he just got an erection from thinking about sex with a guy. About sex with Brendon, and his brain melts a little trying to figure it out.

He’s not gay; he can’t be, he’s had sex with girls before and enjoyed it, he’s had girlfriends and jacked off over straight porn, and Brendon’s little displays on stage don’t affect him that badly.

Shit, he’s fucked in the worst sense of the word and he’s painfully aware of it.

Pushing Brendon away, ignoring the boy’s little whimper, Ryan stumbles out into the passage way, not even bothering to hide his erection.

The top on his list of things-to-do right now is get rid of this thing, and he makes his way to the bathroom with the brightest blush on his cheeks.

With the recent memories in his head now, it would be just his luck to jack off over thoughts of Brendon-

That’s it, Ryan thinks as he shuts the door behind him and lets out a shuddering breath, I’m not staying within a mile of a drunk Brendon ever again.

And fuck it if 3 minutes later, he doesn’t come ridiculously hard over the image of Brendon’s ass in his head.

catchem_ryden @ 2008-03-25T14:31:00

2008-03-25T14:49:45Z

Urgh, my guinea pig died night before last. I was at a friends house, so I only found out when my mum phoned to tell me. I ended up crying in front of two friends, and they didn't comfort me or anything, or even say much other than 'are you okay?'
So...that's kind of knocked me for six; having a pet die, obviously, but also finding out two friends weren't really there for me when I needed them.
So that really sucks on two counts.

My older brother was wonderful about it though. Usually we hate each other's guts, but he gave me a hug and told me he's always got my back, no matter what. Which started me crying again.

Fan of Panic at the Disco? There was a big old flailboat today at http://users.livejournal.com/nepenthe_/1107365.html?view=4685733#t4685733
It's been funny, nostalgic, fan-girly and devoted to the guys since it's DISCO DAY. The new album is AMAZING. I won't spoil it for you, but seriously you might want to check out that thread 'cause there were pictures I hadn't even seen before...

catchem_ryden @ 2008-03-12T22:11:00

2008-03-12T22:14:54Z

I went to see a friend's play tonight in college, with a couple other friends. I was kind of dreading it because I thought I'd be bored and it would suck but it was five individual plays, one was just damn funny, one was Midsummer's with funny bits, one was morbid but good (with my friend in it) one was alright and the last was.....pure freaky.
Anyway, it was pretty good because we enjoyed the plays, it was me and my best friend and three of our guy friends so we were the centre of attention :3
So yeah, my new philosophy is 'never say no.' which basically means if I get invited out somewhere and I'm able to go, I will accept. So I'll be socialising more than I do, and having fun!

catchem_ryden @ 2008-02-15T08:56:00

2008-02-15T09:08:58Z

~~Okay, so I loathe my sister. Like....really despise her, to the point where I can't wait until either I leave home or she does.~~

She's just such a raging shit-cunt, with real ego issues. She was sort of okay last night, we watched a movie, had some pizza together etc etc and it was all fine until I asked for my laptop back (she said she'd only be on it for a minute, but ended up on it for the rest of the night....stupid bitch) that escalated into her screaming at my hamster, then moving him downstairs because he was making noise.
This morning, she then started screaming that I was making too much noise by tidying up, proceeded to yell at me and everything, and storm out to get dressed for work.
I mean...jesus! Anyone would think she's pressured or something.
Anyway, so I asked her whether Mum knows she smokes, and that if she found out she'd be heartbroken and it would be solely my sisters fault.
She tried that thing, where you pretend you're not bothered by laughing. But she can't act,
anyway! So she then started ignoring me, even when I told her itunes on her laptop was screwed and she'd have to reinstall it.
It then got to the point where I said I'd have to move her gear out of the room into the hall while I cleared up (not a huge request) and she said 'just leave it alone. dont touch my stuff'
and I said "sorry, do you have any physical way of stopping me?"
and she screamed again, and said 'i actually hate you. you disappoint me as a sister'
then! she said 'fuck off!' but like someone who isn't used to saying it in front of people, so it sounded forced. I wanted to say 'I don't give a fucking damn what you think of me, you ugly whore!!' but i thought that was a bit much.
So instead I yelled that she seemed to be so arrogant to think that I'd actually care, so she stormed out the house and here I am, ranting and hating her. I seriously loathe her right now. AND she got flowers from someone for valentines day! how can anyone even stand her attitude??

On relfection, none of that was really fair. She apologised today, so...I feel a little bad for writing all that.
To make up for it, and not entirely waste a post! Have a picture of....something cute.

pink socks aye??

catchem_ryden @ 2008-02-07T11:33:00

2008-02-07T12:12:13Z

I had an awesome dream the other night; me and some friends were hanging out in an old building, having a bit of a slumber party. We're all in white pyjamas and just fooling around when Panic at the DIsco and they're crew comes in.
They've just come back off tour and they're tired as anything, so ask us if they can bunk down here for the night.
We have no beds, just a couch or two so I settle down in my white sleeping bag on the floor 'cause I'm getting sleepy.

Brendon is on the floor next to me, telling me stories. It's like we're old friends and he's getting hyper so he climbs over me and I laugh because it tickles.
He wanders off and Ryan comes over, with his old hairstyle, and tells me he's really tired and can he sleep next to me.
I say sure (obviously) and he lies down and asks if we can spoon 'cause he's cold.
So we do! And it feels incredibly real then I wake up. It was all just friendly, like we were old, good friends and I woke up feeling well good about things.

Here's a picture of Ryan with his old hair, because I miss it =[

By the way. Nine in the afternoon is full of win <3 I was worried about listening and not liking their new stuff but I am in LOVE with this song. If the rest of the songs on the new album are this good, I'll be a very happy girl; plus, they're the first band I'm actually going to buy the album of. Everyone else, I usually download (which I know is bad) but I want Panic to be around for a very long time so I'm actually going to support them by buying it <3

catchem_ryden @ 2008-02-02T20:44:00

2008-02-02T20:52:45Z

Not much to talk about, to be honest 8-(
Work is going well, or at least one of my jobs is. The other I *loathe* but whatev. I get paid £20 tomorrow so I can go shopsies.

I went out for a meal with friends friday evening though. It was nice, seeing everyone again, we all talked and laughed and took cool pictures but I *HATE* the venue.
It's a chinese place, and I only had the chips and rice because everything else was like crab claw, and double-fried pork ears blah blah blah.
Anyway, the employees there are so unhospitable! Fr srs. They patrolled the tables, snatching up any plates that haven't been touched for 5 seconds, and they treated us like weirdo westerners; like we were imposing on them. I have nothing at all against the asian culture but I dearly hope that's not what it's like in China.

So anyway, I would have much preferred to have gone somewhere else for the evening but it's done and over.

Um....so yeah, till i can think of something interesting to post, good night!

catchem_ryden @ 2008-01-28T22:54:00

2008-01-28T23:03:58Z

Yay for the new journal =] Isn't it purdy?
Anyway. Um. I'm still not exactly sure whether this is just going to be me unloading my feelings of the day and sharing the odd bit of interesting media, or whether it'll strictly be pictures/video clips/bands you should check out.
So until I actually find something note-worthy, I'll just conclude my year so far with a pros/cons list. Because I like lists.

Pros of 2008:

* Lost 3 lbs.
* Got a lovely part-time job
* May be meeting a new boy soon.
* Getting my provisional license soon = clubbing
* Realized I'm very flexible, personality wise.

Cons of 2008:
* Mourning death of Heath Ledger
* Worried about changes in Panic At The Disco
* Haven't had a boyfriend in yeeears and 2008 is just adding to the total.
* Only 8 months until I start college in a different town. =[ Scary.
* My rabbit has an awful eye condition = expensive treatment,

So there you have it. My ups and downs for january of 2008.
Um...lyric of the day: It's too late to go, it's getting light out, I know you don't want to sleep here alone. Just take it easy.